Seven Comical Shades of Paleo

A while back, I included an article in my now-dormant-but-hope-to-be-revived-in-a-few-months series Inform Yourself Friday. The article, Seven Shades of Paleo from Robb Wolf’s website, looked at the varying kinds of paleo diets people follow; this was a factual and informative piece with some tongue and cheek thrown in. Ever since I read the article, I’ve been forming new, more satirical and comical shades of paleo in my head. Today, I finally have enough for a post!

And yes, I know I promised tales of Ireland in my last post, but when post ideas are super fresh in my head, they need to get out ASAP! Let this photo be a preview of what’s to come for my post on the Emerald Isle. We did like it though.

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*Disclaimer: this post is in no way meant to offend or mock anyone following a paleo lifestyle. It is a humourous and sarcastic look at the many personality traits associated with this lifestyle.

1. Paleo Police Paleo: You’re that person that rains on the other paleo people’s parades. You will comment on photos in social media and recipes with the classic phrase “That’s not paleo.” Whether it’s the grey area foods – white potatoes, butter, and the biggest, RICE! –  or an ingredient accepted by some primal people, like xylitol, you feel it’s your raison d’être to go around enforcing your interpretation of the paleo diet. You are also on the lookout for people that aren’t 100% paleo perfect, so you can hand them a hefty fine in guilt. 

2. PR Paleo: THE spokesperson for the paleo diet. You love it! It worked for you! You’ve seen such fantastic results! You want to spread the paleo word, and want the whole world to listen! You think everyone should follow the diet, and also try to convert anyone and everyone to it… like I did when I first started. I confess, this is probably my shade of paleo because I’m so passionate about it, but I’ve learned to only talk about it to non-paleo people when they ask.

3. Master Debater Paleo: kinda like PR Paleo, but likes a a good debate, either in person or online. Whether it’s about fat actually being good for you, Calories in vs. Calories out, why meat is a must in human diets, or defending the paleo diet, you will argue your point with the main goal of changing your listener’s mind. This may be in person or online, doesn’t matter, but you will stick to your paleo guns because, of course, you’ve done a lot of research on the topic you’re debating, therefore you are right. Vegans and people calling the diet ‘a fad’ seem to be your main opposition, and at times, you verge on being a paleo troll.

I used to be this paleo…

4. Paleo-fy Anything Paleo: Just because you decided to switch to a real food diet of vegetables, fruit, quality meat, seafood, fish and healthy fats doesn’t mean you can never have your old favourites – like bread, bagels, cookies, chocolate bars, pancakes, gummy candies – again. You just make paleo versions of them in your own kitchen, simple! And because they’re paleo, they’re still good for you and can be regular features in your diet… right?

5. Processed Paleo: You lead a busy hectic life, like most of us in the developed world. You meal prep when you can, but life just gets in the way! So, you take short cuts. You head to the designer grocery store, or online shop, and stock up on all sorts of premade paleo foods: snack bars, cookies, protein bars, chips (UK crisps), crackers, chocolate bars, pizzas (yes!), chia pudding, pasta made with almond flour, granola, wraps, jerky… I could go on. These, combined with vegetables, fruit, meat and healthy fats, make up your diet.

Not to be confused with Paleo-fy Anything Paleo, who makes their own paleofied versions at home.

6. Part-Time Paleo: you strictly follow the paleo diet, 50% of the time. For whatever reason, you find it difficult to adhere to the recommended 80/20 rule suggested by most paleo experts, (AIP aside): stick to a strict paleo diet 80% of the time, and allow yourself some freedom in terms of non-paleo foods and alcohol 20% of the time. One day, you hope to be Full-Time Paleo.

7. Paleo Sympathetic: A term coined by a good friend that initially was this shade of paleo. You follow a strict paleo diet as a way of being supportive to your significant other who is devoted to paleo. You’re 100% paleo with your partner, but are only doing it as a way of supporting them in this lifestyle. This is very nice of you. It also helps that the food tastes really good. You’ve been known to make a few suggested paleo recipes yourself, but don’t stick to paleo principles unless you’re with your significant other, really. Plus, you really couldn’t give up pizza and beer. Might I suggest 80/20?

Not to be confused for Part-Time Paleo – this shade of paleo is doing it to support their partner.

What comical shade of paleo do you fall under?

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8 thoughts on “Seven Comical Shades of Paleo

  1. I love this and can confess to having been both 1 (although not to the extent of commenting) and 2, especially in the early days. I think my earlier “paleo police” mentality was due to fear of failure if I didn’t “stick to the rules” faithfully and seeing others being more relaxed about it heightened that sense of potential failure.
    Thankfully I relaxed about it all when I settled into just eating this way, as opposed to trying it out.
    I see that you guys were typically dressed for our lovely Irish summer weather – wellies and woollies are the current fashion here 🙂

    • I basically took all of my outdoor clothing for our trip. And used all of it!

      I think when initially starting paleo, there’s this internal pressure to be perfect because we assume that all people who are paleo are paleo-perfect. But no one is, and it’s coming to terms with that that’s important.

      Btw, I’m already working on ‘Seven More Shades…’ and Little Miss Paleo Perfect is one 🙂

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  3. I love this! I think I’m definitely a cross between #2 and #3. When people at work comment about how many eggs I eat or how many bunless burgers I get at company lunches, it’s hard not to get defensive and tell everyone how awesome you feel.

    • I can totally relate! In the beginning I was like that too, now I know that the people who are usually doing it in person are those that are trying to get a reaction out of me.

      At work, besides myself, there are 2 other teachers who are paleo. We get called every ‘Coconut’ and ‘Caveman’ term under the sun, as a joke. Ironically, we’re the three skinniest and healthiest in the department!

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